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15 May 2015 @ 01:11 am

I'm going to endeavour to write here more often when my head is swirling with random things that I can't (don't?) want to tell others. I remember originally starting this blog for myself because sometimes when I needed people the most they weren't there. If anything, I felt like I could never approach people when I needed them.

The last entry here is dated somewhere in 2013. In two years so much has and can change. I hope to write testaments to my own growth and change in this period. We'll see though honestly.

Let's just take a look at myself at this very point in time though... /drum beat with a wonderful and pointless questionnaire! Haha :3.

  • 1:

    What was the last book you read? The Chaos of Stars - Kiersten White. I'll elaborate on this one too actually. I have been seeing this book in my library for ageees but I kept neglecting it because the plot sounded corny aka about being the child of Egyptian Gods and witnessing their drama while going through your own. Then I saw a quote from it and figured "Okay, this is straight up my alley. Plus some form of fate keeps thrusting it in my face." What was the quote? "And I'd chose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd chose you". Oh be still my beating heart.

  • 2:

    Do you like roller coasters? Yes. I am yet to find someone who loves them as much as I do and is willing to go on them with me. I still stand by the fact I am the best boyfriend for myself (?girlfriend. I can be my own girlfriend.)

  • 3:

    Day or night? Night. Early morning like now. When noone is awake and it's just me and the beautiful silence.

  • 4:

    What do you hear right now? Beautiful - Amber from her 1st Mini Album "Beautiful" (Title song: Shake that Brass)

  • 5:

    What would you name your son or daughter if you had one? Son: Aidan, Calvin, Tyson. Daughter: Lotte, Vera, Amber.  Still collecting names maybe~

  • 6:

    Do you want kids? Why or why not? Sometimes I do. Then I witness them and various child birth shows and cringe. We'll see.

  • 7:

    What’s your favorite memory with your best friend(s)? I recently drove down to Victoria to go see them with some of my best friends. Staying in a hotel room and watching movies. Or just sitting around a dining room table eating buffalo wings together.

  • 8:

    How many times did it take you to pass your driver’s test? L's = 1. Red P's = 4. Green P's = 1. Full = 1.

  • 9:

    The scariest dream you had? When I dream of you. Because I have to wake up and remember that we're no longer friends and that even if I don't consciously think I have feelings for you I might.

  • 10:

    How tall are you? 164cms.

  • 11:

    The last thing you ate was… Opera Gateau with Yorkshire tea and honey.

  • 12:

    A band you want to see live is… f(x)

  • 13:

    Do you have a hero/someone you look up to? If so, who? My Dad. My parents in general. My boyfriend's parents. This 70 yr old couple where the husband has late-stage Alzheimers and the wife, oh my god. I only wish I can find someone in my life who I'd love that much.

  • 14:

    Do you like to swim? Yes. I am a water sign after all XD.

  • 15:

    Things you look for in a guy/girl? I figure I'm actually pretty horny. Like, a lot of the time. So I guess... someone I can talk to. Trust. Then get naughty with. Also: Good looking for me. Good hugger! Similar interests. Someone who can deal with me (I'm pretty hard to deal with). Absss..... OH! And someone who doesn't care I love manxman sex. Hahaha!

  • 16:

    Has a book ever upset you? Oh god yes. Especially since I'm an avid fan of young adult fiction. The drama in them makes me relate to my own issues and then I cry because it's a mix of my own sorrow and the characters sorro.

  • 17:

    What was the first instrument you learned to play? (if any) The keyboard.

  • 18:

    Some of your hobbies include… Eating. Making tea. Sitting around reading books. Watching movies. Travelling the world. Figuring out ways to run away. Learning languages.

  • 19:

    How do you deal with anger? I get angry. Then I calm down.

  • 20:

    Something you like about your appearance is… I'm cute. My hair is pretty awesome. My ass.

  • 21:

    What was the last movie you watched? Age of Adaline.

  • 22:

    Do you have a favorite ghost story? What about a personal ghost story? I forgot all my ghost stories, nor have I read any for awhile.

  • 23:

    Where is the farthest from home that you've gone? South America!

  • 24:

    Have you met anyone online that you'd like to meet irl? Yes. But then I left where we used to hang out then we just lost contact because we didn't have that common thing anymore.

  • 25:

    Do you look like your parents? Exactly half of each!

  • 26:

    Things you have in common with your parents? Looks, personality. I have the temper of both my parents (mainly Mum), intelligence, curiosity, love of travel of my Dad and social interaction skills of my Mum. I think that's kind of morphing though. When I want to be social I am but I really dislike new people and trying to make new friends.

  • 27. What is to the right of you? My bedside table. It has Pikachu on it and my lip balm.

  • 28:

    A favorite memory with a sibling? None. I am a ronery bugger.

  • 29:

    What is something you wish you'd done? Ignored my friends in High school. Also studied more languages in High school. Maybe chosen a degree that allowed me to move overseas freely.

  • 30:

    What are some of your favorite blogs? I barely have time to write this one.

  • 31:

    Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes. I get distracted by my routine of washing hair, conditioning hair, washing face etc.

  • 32:

    Something others have described you as... Happy.

  • 33:

    Name of every pet you've had... Mango, Chocolate, Cappucino, Lychee. See a trend? XD

  • 34:

    Your favorite superhero? All the Xmen

  • 35:

    Two of your fears are... I will never be able to live overseas. I will never find someone who I fill suffocated with love for.

  • 36:

    What you're majoring in in college/what you plan to major in... Physiotherapy. Beautiful profession but leaves me stuck in Australia.

  • 37:

    What is your favorite season? Autumn. Anywhere.

  • 38:

    The best vacation you took? 6 weeks to Japan after I failed a unit in University. Best last minute decision ever.

  • 39:

    Why your best friend is your best friend. He is my boyfriend. We spend the most time together and he understands me the most because of that.

  • 40:

    How did you come across your favorite band? Because I was questioning my sexuality and I figured one of the members was fucking hot.

  • 41:

    Occupations you wanted as a little kid? Doctor. Chef.

  • 42:

    Are you an introvert or extrovert? Both, depending on my mood.

  • 43:

    When was the last time you drank? Last month in Japan.

  • 44:

    How many pillows do you sleep with? 2

  • 45:

    Are you a "safe" driver? Yes. Typical old lady asian driver I've been told - haha!

  • 46:

    Something that's bothering you right now? After a discussion with my lecturer they implied that because I did not follow 90% of my grade in opinion that I was wrong, different and shouldn't think the way I do. It's made me very insecure about my own thoughts though I know I shouldn't think this way. I've always been proud of my uniqueness. I guess I always struggle because I'm so obviously different.

  • 47:

    How many cds do you own? Well I recently bought a walkman so my CD collection is growing! I have lost my Eurovision CD case though and I don't know where....

  • 48:

    How many books do you own? Too many to count but not too many for me.

  • 49:

    How many aunts and uncles do you have? None that I know!

  • 50:

    "Top 5" Happy-making things! 1. Fuwa fuwa socks  2. Cute stationary  3. Boys kissing boys  4. Good tea  5. Books

    P.S. I'm finally writing a Fanfiction idea that has been floating around my head for like 5 years! I'm so excited!

30 April 2013 @ 03:38 pm

Failure (n)
1. Lack of success
2. An unsuccessful person, enterprise or thing.

That is me. Right in this very moment. I feel like I must rant about it.

Yesterday I found out that I failed a unit in University, after sitting a resit. Which is probably the most frustrating part of it. A second chance and even then, still a failure. 4 other people failed with me out of the 11 who originally needed to do the resit.

I feel helpless and kind of stranded. This news means I need to repeat a year of University and thus meaning I would have spent 7 years here.

I am actually realising now that how I write is really bad. Maybe I should type here to really improve it. New quest! Everyday write in my LJ to make sure I don't lose the functionality of writing.

I have some other things to do though, I'll be back later I promise!

21 July 2012 @ 08:08 pm

You realise you can fulfill your own meat craving by buying yourself some KFC. 

Hmm.. I'm also feeling a bit skeptical with the way I acted. I just went to your house and grabbed icecream and cookies and left. Does that make me rude? But I really had nothing to do at your place... and... my KFC was getting cold. It's still on my mind though. Maybe I should have mentioned my KFC? Or... that I didn't want to dwell at yours because I'll be to clingy or whatever and I really want to do my own thing atm. I guess I'll get onto that then... whoo movie time!

P.S. I guess on that note I'm not really happy but I'm not so far away from it I'm trying to persuade myself that I am happy but something is niggling on the edges of my happiness. It's frustrating... I don't know what's wrong.

Feeling like: coldcold
Jamming to: MGMT - Electric Feel
16 July 2012 @ 11:33 pm

I'm really angry and so in the heat I'm going to rant it out like I usually do because I'm too chicken to go and tell you myself.

I'm so angry at you right now because you never place me as a priority. You don't chase after me at all. I'm always fucking going after you and I fucking hate it because aaargh I shouldn't. You don't even want me. You don't tell me otherwise you just disagree when I tell you that you do. But you don't say anything else to reassure me. 

I'm angry at you because you turned your game off because "it's rude to be doing something in the background while talking to other people" not because "You are important and I want to talk with you now that you happen to be here". Or is there some male subtext I'm meant to be understanding. I don't understand. I've told you I don't understand at all multiple times and yet you do nothing, or minimal things to help me understand. Then I'm the one who's always apologising for it... why the hell am I apologising because I made you feel bad? If you weren't doing such terrible boyfriend things in the first place I wouldn't be feeling this way at all! 

I'm thinking whether I should march right over there and tell you all this... or hold down the fort and ignore you until you come and find me. Either way I freaking lose because I'm still going for you... or you just don't care enough to find me. Fuck this. Lets play a game shall we... do you like me? Will you come find me? Will you message me? No. The answer is no. I know the answer. You never do. You've never proved me wrong. 
Okay. Fuck this I'm marching there and telling him who's boss. If he breaks up with me then so be it... its not fucking working is it? Aaargh fuck life. Seriously. Why do I even let myself into these sorts of things? I'm thinking to myself now like.. why did I even agree to be your girlfriend? What has changed now and before since we got together? Uhhmm... security that you like me? Not even that far out. Nothing, so nothing has changed.

Feeling like: angryangry
Jamming to: Silence
18 May 2012 @ 01:03 pm


So I like realised maybe I'm shit because I have shit friends and I have to turn to an online blogging site to get all my emotions out. Rather than talk to someone. How fucked up is that? It's like all high school again and I thought I was way past this stage.

I need to reevaluate where I am and who I've become. 

Or maybe I'm just a bitch. Would I prefer talking to someone? Why am I so angry anyway? I think there's just been so much and I've been feeling so used lately. And not from love-friendship-shit.... gah. I'm always used. I guess this is me starting to say no to it. Maybe I'm learning to be just alone... with noone who knows me like... nothing else. 

But, I thought I had been pretty obvious explaining things to everyone you know? I'm not a subtle person nor am I going to hide who I am or what I'm feeling because "you're my friend". Fuck, I seriously though I've moved past this stuff but then, I ask myself. Why do I still feel like I've been pushed into the ground and made to eat dirt? I thought I was better than this. I thought I actually had friends who accepted me for who and whatever I am. I guess not. I really guess not. 

Am I a terrible friend? 

Feeling like: bitchybitchy
Jamming to: Silence
10 May 2012 @ 02:05 pm

Shit is so fucked up.
Shit is so fucked up.
Shit is super fucked up.
Shit is so fucked up.
Shit is really fucked up.
Fucked is really shitting fucked up-ness.

So, shit on fire to boot?

I guess I'm feeling a bit mellow again. I always wake up so muted. It frustrates me. Where did I go? Where did my fire go? I'm searching for it and trying to hard to find it but I can't see it or feel it. I'm so lost without it.. where did my fire go? Why did I lose it? I need to stop giving it to people or letting others smother it. My fire. Where is my fire?

I really want some weed on that note. Weed helps fuck shit up more but... in a really woot woot kinda way. Fuck... or maybe some other drugs. I can always go carbamenzapine myself up... wait. Lemmie google this.

Anyway. I need to go to work because I need to mail stuff. I also need to be pretty.. .why do I feel so ugly? So much hair. Fuck this shit. Seriously. Single... getting back to me.

Note to self:
- Quilting class?
- Language classes
- Prettyness... hmm, thinner? Fuck I don't see enough bones.

I love me. I'm so beautifully fucked up and I'm so young so I can be. Take it. So there. I wonder how you are, by the way. I still think of you. Do you think of me too? Do I ever cross your mind?

xoxo Why is shit so fucked up?

Tags: , , ,
Feeling like: exanimateexanimate
Jamming to: Skins Season 1
02 May 2012 @ 03:45 pm

I have a new New Year's Resolution. I will be single and learn to be by myself. I also need to remember my old New Year's Resolution; Say 'No'. Don't be a doormat. Otherwise, I have a quote for you: "The worst thing you could do is make me fall for you with no intentions of ever catching me".

Feeling like: busybusy
Jamming to: Birds chirping incessantly outside
15 April 2012 @ 12:41 am
I'm starting to think we all are... then, maybe... I dunno. My problems all feel small and pathetic now, like I shouldn't even be having them... but they're still my problems. Ahh, you did a shit- OHKAY, not so shit- job of making me feel better. 

My friend went home to get drunk.... I have scars and bruises on my knuckles when I investigated Newton's law of acceleration against a wall and... well. Let's all say we're fucked up. It's interesting... when I find I fit in, I fit in with a bunch other other misfits. 

I was thinking today though that, I really enjoying running away from everything. Is this me pretending? Have I lied to myself well enough to forget about whatever is bothering me so I can just smile and be ignorant and blissful? Maybe I just want someone to know me well enough to look at me smile.. then notice my bruises.

I was thinking something this morning.... I forgot though, but it sounded smart at the time. I'm feeling a bit melancholy today. 
I am: In my bed
Feeling like: lonelylonely
Jamming to: Silence
04 April 2012 @ 02:51 pm

Skin hungry. This term has been coming up a lot in me mind lately aaaand... it completely fits. Although I wonder if I made that word up... hmmm. Wait, let me google it. Nope! Didn't invent OMG the stuff here about skin hunger!! I'll post that later. Well anyway, I've been skin hungry. I think I got skin overdose yesterday 8D. 

Happyyy.... but I missed my lecture AND my tute D: horry shiet.

Feeling like: confusedconfused
Jamming to: The radio
12 March 2012 @ 11:35 am

I miss my best friend. 

I guess it sucks that my best friend was also my boyfriend, yes, there you go, past tense was... we broke up when I got back from Argentina. I realised that he was really just my best friend... though I feel I question that alot now. Was he really? I'm only thinking about the good times though... I was quickly scanning my old posts and realising that we still had our downs when we pissed each other off and I think, why don't you remember those moments to make things easier? 

I keep asking myself whether it was right or not, but then I think to myself yes because if I would have dragged it on any longer it would've hurt more. I keep thinking though I hurt him and I don't want to do that. I keep thinking of what he told me... but thats another reason why I had to. He was more invested in this relationship than I was. That's not fair. I loved him but I had to stop lying to both of us that it was the way he wanted, I didn't love him that much then.. I guess? Sometimes I think to myself 'Why did you even get back together?'. I don't know... but when do I ever know? I think I wanted to try again, thinking I was ready. I wasn't. Maybe I've just lost those feelings I had long ago in 2006 for him. When he used to always give me butterflies. All that fighting. Maybe it died then. Maybe I was/am still confused about feelings. Stupid feelings. Maybe I'm just not interested. Maybe it was the distance. I don't know. I miss him now... maybe I just miss someone I can talk to, crack jokes with. I still have friends. I miss my friends from Argentina... I miss Argentina. Sometimes I want to run away again.

I've been reading 'The Hunger Games' recently and I am enjoying it immensely. I keep dreaming I'm in those games though.. or just running? I dunno. I've also been having strange dreams lately. Maybe I need to meet more people. Hopefully once my cast is off I can go run away for a bit. I want to do it this year.... get the train somewhere and spend the day there - be by myself. Why was it so fun in Argentina? Why did I have so much fun dating myself? I can do it here. I love myself and I enjoy my own company. I'm used to being alone. Why is that so hard then sometimes? 

I also wonder why I'm never really good at holding onto friends... or maybe I'm just wanting too much from those friends. Maybe I just never feel like I can talk to people. Maybe I don't let myself talk to people. Do I change this? I'm sure I can talk to people... maybe I can't. Maybe I'm too enclosed. I'm the only one who knows me. Me me me me. I think I just miss my best friend. But we're not allowed to be that anymore. So I'm respecting his wishes and keeping away. He said I could call him if I need anything but that's just rubbing salt in the wound right? So here I am, ranting back at you. Why do I keep this blog? ... Well I think it's a sign I stop talking to you through this blog. I still think of you by the way... sometimes. I wonder where you are. Who you are like... have things changed? Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if things hadn't happened. Ahh... but they did. 

I have that feeling I am also awesome at segway.

All in all, I miss my best friend. I miss his company. I miss his corniness. I miss being able to be completely me. But... then I think... how much of that acceptance was because he loved me and wanted to be with me... and not because I am just me and he accepted me because we were friends. I wonder about that. 

There is so much I wonder about. My friend once told me that if I'm trying to find something in the world... I'm never going to find it. We never do. Our brain constructs this sort of... extra reality or something, some quest that is unfulfillable. Then another friend told me I live on another wavelength to the rest of the population. I feel that sometimes too. I never quite fit in. Actually... I did. In Argentina. A little here too. Do you ever feel like you don't belong somewhere? Hmmm... well I should dump myself in studying so I stop thinking of it. Chau!!

Feeling like: indifferentindifferent
Jamming to: Soundtrack of Ctown