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08 December 2017 @ 07:54 am
Did I tell you about my rules?

1. Do not instigate
2. Do not investigate
3. Do not put on a pedestal

Well, being like the 4th (3rd?) time I've hung out and had dinner with my old-new friends and the 2nd time Ive heard you wanted to be invited.

I dont know what you want from anything but clearly you do not know what you did to me. What you do to me. I forgot youre my trigger and how dangerous you are to me.

I just need to avoid you I think. All my mental dramas of what it would be like to reconnect with you, no way. Just no reconnection. Its to dangerous.
Feeling like: pessimisticpessimistic
Jamming to: End Game - Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Future
24 August 2017 @ 11:21 pm
I am on the train home from a fantastic dinner. This was great. Every time you think you shouldn't reconnect with people THIS moment is what you gotta think of.

It was... just great. We talked over some things and othet things and it was like no time was really missing, just us in different periods of our lives.

However I did not live by my rules. It also made me think. Should I reconnect with you too? I asked the question, why say Hi to me if you don't want anything? What's the purpose of crashing into my life again? Can you be so naive that you don't know what you did to me and that you even doing something simple as "OMG ITS YOU" is like a tornado through my otherwise calm life? I wonder if you would talk though...? I suppose we've never really had the opportunity since... or in the first place. I am scared. You're dangerous to me. Like fire. I can stay away and enjoy the warmth from a safe distance but I get to close and get burnt. Shitty analogy but true. I a worried I'll get caught up in the heat and I am in a really good place right now. Such a good place! It would be interesting.

Will this be something I regret? Will not doing this be something I regret?

To be continued...
Feeling like: thoughtfulthoughtful
Jamming to: Wild Thoughts - DJ Khalid ft Rihanna
20 August 2017 @ 10:22 pm

Hey? Guess what. I saw you today. Well.. scratch that. I was eating lunch behind the table and you crashed into the side and said "OMG IT IS YOU".

I was sitting there eating a piece of fish. This is not a great sign. I chuckle now but my friend said it was just awkward... kind of. Anyway... I knew you were going to be there. Of course I did! After the last con where I nearly accidently ran into you and ran away. I plotted... how I would act, how I would be mature. Let's cut the story short and say that I threw a hand sanitiser bottle at your head. Good aim I had though. I got you right next to your eye then I flipped you the bird and danced.

Maybe for my own purposes I should go over that story again. You brought our friend over again and I was talking with her and trying to catch up as well as apologise for my behaviour. I think you started butting in and then... we just rile each other up. Scratch that. I get riled up when you are around. You told me to "calm down".... and yes I threw the hand sanitiser at you.

I was trying to discuss it with my friend and she basically said, if she makes you feel so angry why try to pursue something with her? I don't know. I don't think I want to... but I also want to. I am also mortified (well now) that I threw the hand sanitiser at you. I think I always try to do stupid, fucking stupid things to get you to remember me. Maybe I also do these things because I don't know how to act around you. I really don't. I don't know where we stand... well there really also is no where to stand. I don't know if you want to be my friend, if you want to be acquaintences that just see each other at cons? I... I don't want to instigate anything with you because after our history I feel that it would be too creepy and I shouldn't. Also... what would I do? Support you like a friend? I don't know where I stand anymore with that. I don't know who you are as a person. I don't know you anymore. I just have a... memory of you in my head that is all the good bits and I forget all the shit you made me go through. I forget. There is not more hurt though. Not a lot of attraction I suppose? I think I was also intensely anxious so I probably wasn't really aware of myself as I usually am.

I really felt like nostalgia slapped me really hard in the face though. I wasn't expecting it and it wasn't the sort of nostalgia I can really act appropriately to. I feel that because of how things were left and what I was like it is probably very very very dangerous for me to be close to you. I think they had a really word for this on Love Island and it was "Dick sand" instead of "quick sand". You fall into the dick sand and get sucked in by the attractive male though you know it's really bad for you. You are essentially my version of dick sand. I don't trust myself around you and I think that scares me the most because I don't trust you at ar to not hurt me. If one thing I have learnt from writing this rant so far is yes... that is a very valid point. Last time I thought I would be fine but nope. That definitely didn't happen. To boot I am just thinking of that weird dream I had this morning where.... cheating happened. Maybe it was my anxiety about it manifesting as well? Very possibly. Hmmm.

Do I want to be friends with you? What will I gain? What will happen? I don't think the question is if I want to be, it's if you want to be friends with me. Okay, resolution!!! Do not instigate anything with you. Do not expect anything. Actually... just. Expect nothing. Your lives have gone in two different directions and they may have merged for a bit but this is an exception not the norm I feel like Dua Lipa's song "New Rules" (which you are presently obsessed with).

1. Don't contact her first - only ever in response to someone else or herself.
2. Don't actively search for information about her; refer to first rule where everything is in response.
3. It's okay that she was a big part of you growing up, but that does not refer to now. Do not put her on a pedestal.

You are fine. You have developed into a great person, someone I definitely think that your younger self would be proud of. Please don't be harsh on yourself. Sometimes life happens and you may not deal with it the best way but remember these rules and try to do your best moving forward now to be the mature adult you know is in there.

I am: Meth lab
Feeling like: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Jamming to: 11:11 - TAEYEON
15 May 2015 @ 01:11 am

I'm going to endeavour to write here more often when my head is swirling with random things that I can't (don't?) want to tell others. I remember originally starting this blog for myself because sometimes when I needed people the most they weren't there. If anything, I felt like I could never approach people when I needed them.

The last entry here is dated somewhere in 2013. In two years so much has and can change. I hope to write testaments to my own growth and change in this period. We'll see though honestly.

Let's just take a look at myself at this very point in time though... /drum beat with a wonderful and pointless questionnaire! Haha :3.

  • 1:

    What was the last book you read? The Chaos of Stars - Kiersten White. I'll elaborate on this one too actually. I have been seeing this book in my library for ageees but I kept neglecting it because the plot sounded corny aka about being the child of Egyptian Gods and witnessing their drama while going through your own. Then I saw a quote from it and figured "Okay, this is straight up my alley. Plus some form of fate keeps thrusting it in my face." What was the quote? "And I'd chose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd chose you". Oh be still my beating heart.

  • 2:

    Do you like roller coasters? Yes. I am yet to find someone who loves them as much as I do and is willing to go on them with me. I still stand by the fact I am the best boyfriend for myself (?girlfriend. I can be my own girlfriend.)

  • 3:

    Day or night? Night. Early morning like now. When noone is awake and it's just me and the beautiful silence.

  • 4:

    What do you hear right now? Beautiful - Amber from her 1st Mini Album "Beautiful" (Title song: Shake that Brass)

  • 5:

    What would you name your son or daughter if you had one? Son: Aidan, Calvin, Tyson. Daughter: Lotte, Vera, Amber.  Still collecting names maybe~

  • 6:

    Do you want kids? Why or why not? Sometimes I do. Then I witness them and various child birth shows and cringe. We'll see.

  • 7:

    What’s your favorite memory with your best friend(s)? I recently drove down to Victoria to go see them with some of my best friends. Staying in a hotel room and watching movies. Or just sitting around a dining room table eating buffalo wings together.

  • 8:

    How many times did it take you to pass your driver’s test? L's = 1. Red P's = 4. Green P's = 1. Full = 1.

  • 9:

    The scariest dream you had? When I dream of you. Because I have to wake up and remember that we're no longer friends and that even if I don't consciously think I have feelings for you I might.

  • 10:

    How tall are you? 164cms.

  • 11:

    The last thing you ate was… Opera Gateau with Yorkshire tea and honey.

  • 12:

    A band you want to see live is… f(x)

  • 13:

    Do you have a hero/someone you look up to? If so, who? My Dad. My parents in general. My boyfriend's parents. This 70 yr old couple where the husband has late-stage Alzheimers and the wife, oh my god. I only wish I can find someone in my life who I'd love that much.

  • 14:

    Do you like to swim? Yes. I am a water sign after all XD.

  • 15:

    Things you look for in a guy/girl? I figure I'm actually pretty horny. Like, a lot of the time. So I guess... someone I can talk to. Trust. Then get naughty with. Also: Good looking for me. Good hugger! Similar interests. Someone who can deal with me (I'm pretty hard to deal with). Absss..... OH! And someone who doesn't care I love manxman sex. Hahaha!

  • 16:

    Has a book ever upset you? Oh god yes. Especially since I'm an avid fan of young adult fiction. The drama in them makes me relate to my own issues and then I cry because it's a mix of my own sorrow and the characters sorro.

  • 17:

    What was the first instrument you learned to play? (if any) The keyboard.

  • 18:

    Some of your hobbies include… Eating. Making tea. Sitting around reading books. Watching movies. Travelling the world. Figuring out ways to run away. Learning languages.

  • 19:

    How do you deal with anger? I get angry. Then I calm down.

  • 20:

    Something you like about your appearance is… I'm cute. My hair is pretty awesome. My ass.

  • 21:

    What was the last movie you watched? Age of Adaline.

  • 22:

    Do you have a favorite ghost story? What about a personal ghost story? I forgot all my ghost stories, nor have I read any for awhile.

  • 23:

    Where is the farthest from home that you've gone? South America!

  • 24:

    Have you met anyone online that you'd like to meet irl? Yes. But then I left where we used to hang out then we just lost contact because we didn't have that common thing anymore.

  • 25:

    Do you look like your parents? Exactly half of each!

  • 26:

    Things you have in common with your parents? Looks, personality. I have the temper of both my parents (mainly Mum), intelligence, curiosity, love of travel of my Dad and social interaction skills of my Mum. I think that's kind of morphing though. When I want to be social I am but I really dislike new people and trying to make new friends.

  • 27. What is to the right of you? My bedside table. It has Pikachu on it and my lip balm.

  • 28:

    A favorite memory with a sibling? None. I am a ronery bugger.

  • 29:

    What is something you wish you'd done? Ignored my friends in High school. Also studied more languages in High school. Maybe chosen a degree that allowed me to move overseas freely.

  • 30:

    What are some of your favorite blogs? I barely have time to write this one.

  • 31:

    Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes. I get distracted by my routine of washing hair, conditioning hair, washing face etc.

  • 32:

    Something others have described you as... Happy.

  • 33:

    Name of every pet you've had... Mango, Chocolate, Cappucino, Lychee. See a trend? XD

  • 34:

    Your favorite superhero? All the Xmen

  • 35:

    Two of your fears are... I will never be able to live overseas. I will never find someone who I fill suffocated with love for.

  • 36:

    What you're majoring in in college/what you plan to major in... Physiotherapy. Beautiful profession but leaves me stuck in Australia.

  • 37:

    What is your favorite season? Autumn. Anywhere.

  • 38:

    The best vacation you took? 6 weeks to Japan after I failed a unit in University. Best last minute decision ever.

  • 39:

    Why your best friend is your best friend. He is my boyfriend. We spend the most time together and he understands me the most because of that.

  • 40:

    How did you come across your favorite band? Because I was questioning my sexuality and I figured one of the members was fucking hot.

  • 41:

    Occupations you wanted as a little kid? Doctor. Chef.

  • 42:

    Are you an introvert or extrovert? Both, depending on my mood.

  • 43:

    When was the last time you drank? Last month in Japan.

  • 44:

    How many pillows do you sleep with? 2

  • 45:

    Are you a "safe" driver? Yes. Typical old lady asian driver I've been told - haha!

  • 46:

    Something that's bothering you right now? After a discussion with my lecturer they implied that because I did not follow 90% of my grade in opinion that I was wrong, different and shouldn't think the way I do. It's made me very insecure about my own thoughts though I know I shouldn't think this way. I've always been proud of my uniqueness. I guess I always struggle because I'm so obviously different.

  • 47:

    How many cds do you own? Well I recently bought a walkman so my CD collection is growing! I have lost my Eurovision CD case though and I don't know where....

  • 48:

    How many books do you own? Too many to count but not too many for me.

  • 49:

    How many aunts and uncles do you have? None that I know!

  • 50:

    "Top 5" Happy-making things! 1. Fuwa fuwa socks  2. Cute stationary  3. Boys kissing boys  4. Good tea  5. Books

    P.S. I'm finally writing a Fanfiction idea that has been floating around my head for like 5 years! I'm so excited!

30 April 2013 @ 03:38 pm

Failure (n)
1. Lack of success
2. An unsuccessful person, enterprise or thing.

That is me. Right in this very moment. I feel like I must rant about it.

Yesterday I found out that I failed a unit in University, after sitting a resit. Which is probably the most frustrating part of it. A second chance and even then, still a failure. 4 other people failed with me out of the 11 who originally needed to do the resit.

I feel helpless and kind of stranded. This news means I need to repeat a year of University and thus meaning I would have spent 7 years here.

I am actually realising now that how I write is really bad. Maybe I should type here to really improve it. New quest! Everyday write in my LJ to make sure I don't lose the functionality of writing.

I have some other things to do though, I'll be back later I promise!

21 July 2012 @ 08:08 pm

You realise you can fulfill your own meat craving by buying yourself some KFC. 

Hmm.. I'm also feeling a bit skeptical with the way I acted. I just went to your house and grabbed icecream and cookies and left. Does that make me rude? But I really had nothing to do at your place... and... my KFC was getting cold. It's still on my mind though. Maybe I should have mentioned my KFC? Or... that I didn't want to dwell at yours because I'll be to clingy or whatever and I really want to do my own thing atm. I guess I'll get onto that then... whoo movie time!

P.S. I guess on that note I'm not really happy but I'm not so far away from it I'm trying to persuade myself that I am happy but something is niggling on the edges of my happiness. It's frustrating... I don't know what's wrong.

Feeling like: coldcold
Jamming to: MGMT - Electric Feel
16 July 2012 @ 11:33 pm

I'm really angry and so in the heat I'm going to rant it out like I usually do because I'm too chicken to go and tell you myself.

I'm so angry at you right now because you never place me as a priority. You don't chase after me at all. I'm always fucking going after you and I fucking hate it because aaargh I shouldn't. You don't even want me. You don't tell me otherwise you just disagree when I tell you that you do. But you don't say anything else to reassure me. 

I'm angry at you because you turned your game off because "it's rude to be doing something in the background while talking to other people" not because "You are important and I want to talk with you now that you happen to be here". Or is there some male subtext I'm meant to be understanding. I don't understand. I've told you I don't understand at all multiple times and yet you do nothing, or minimal things to help me understand. Then I'm the one who's always apologising for it... why the hell am I apologising because I made you feel bad? If you weren't doing such terrible boyfriend things in the first place I wouldn't be feeling this way at all! 

I'm thinking whether I should march right over there and tell you all this... or hold down the fort and ignore you until you come and find me. Either way I freaking lose because I'm still going for you... or you just don't care enough to find me. Fuck this. Lets play a game shall we... do you like me? Will you come find me? Will you message me? No. The answer is no. I know the answer. You never do. You've never proved me wrong. 
Okay. Fuck this I'm marching there and telling him who's boss. If he breaks up with me then so be it... its not fucking working is it? Aaargh fuck life. Seriously. Why do I even let myself into these sorts of things? I'm thinking to myself now like.. why did I even agree to be your girlfriend? What has changed now and before since we got together? Uhhmm... security that you like me? Not even that far out. Nothing, so nothing has changed.

Feeling like: angryangry
Jamming to: Silence
18 May 2012 @ 01:03 pm


So I like realised maybe I'm shit because I have shit friends and I have to turn to an online blogging site to get all my emotions out. Rather than talk to someone. How fucked up is that? It's like all high school again and I thought I was way past this stage.

I need to reevaluate where I am and who I've become. 

Or maybe I'm just a bitch. Would I prefer talking to someone? Why am I so angry anyway? I think there's just been so much and I've been feeling so used lately. And not from love-friendship-shit.... gah. I'm always used. I guess this is me starting to say no to it. Maybe I'm learning to be just alone... with noone who knows me like... nothing else. 

But, I thought I had been pretty obvious explaining things to everyone you know? I'm not a subtle person nor am I going to hide who I am or what I'm feeling because "you're my friend". Fuck, I seriously though I've moved past this stuff but then, I ask myself. Why do I still feel like I've been pushed into the ground and made to eat dirt? I thought I was better than this. I thought I actually had friends who accepted me for who and whatever I am. I guess not. I really guess not. 

Am I a terrible friend? 

Feeling like: bitchybitchy
Jamming to: Silence
10 May 2012 @ 02:05 pm

Shit is so fucked up.
Shit is so fucked up.
Shit is super fucked up.
Shit is so fucked up.
Shit is really fucked up.
Fucked is really shitting fucked up-ness.

So, shit on fire to boot?

I guess I'm feeling a bit mellow again. I always wake up so muted. It frustrates me. Where did I go? Where did my fire go? I'm searching for it and trying to hard to find it but I can't see it or feel it. I'm so lost without it.. where did my fire go? Why did I lose it? I need to stop giving it to people or letting others smother it. My fire. Where is my fire?

I really want some weed on that note. Weed helps fuck shit up more but... in a really woot woot kinda way. Fuck... or maybe some other drugs. I can always go carbamenzapine myself up... wait. Lemmie google this.

Anyway. I need to go to work because I need to mail stuff. I also need to be pretty.. .why do I feel so ugly? So much hair. Fuck this shit. Seriously. Single... getting back to me.

Note to self:
- Quilting class?
- Language classes
- Prettyness... hmm, thinner? Fuck I don't see enough bones.

I love me. I'm so beautifully fucked up and I'm so young so I can be. Take it. So there. I wonder how you are, by the way. I still think of you. Do you think of me too? Do I ever cross your mind?

xoxo Why is shit so fucked up?

Tags: , , ,
Feeling like: exanimateexanimate
Jamming to: Skins Season 1
02 May 2012 @ 03:45 pm

I have a new New Year's Resolution. I will be single and learn to be by myself. I also need to remember my old New Year's Resolution; Say 'No'. Don't be a doormat. Otherwise, I have a quote for you: "The worst thing you could do is make me fall for you with no intentions of ever catching me".

Feeling like: busybusy
Jamming to: Birds chirping incessantly outside